Young Soul

So, I'm not really one of those snobby people to do book reviews, and I didn't just read Catcher in the Rye, but I just have rerealized what a great book it is.

That feeling of trying to hold on to innocence in a world where growing up is pushed upon you so quickly.  It just captures how I feel about my life looking back on it so far.  I've been chasing freedom through trying new things trying to get my fix on new feelings and excitement.  But when you're little everything is the world is so new and intriguing and exciting.  

Some people describe themselves as having an "old soul" or a "new/young soul" or whatever.  I feel that I am the type of person who is a young soul.  I feel like I can only learn from experience or the hard way.  The song New Soul by Yael Naim depicts this perfectly.  

I've been chasing freedom, but when I think back and try to think of the times when I felt the absolute free-est, I think of my youth.  And not really entire stages or whatever, but almost photographic memories.  I remember a sunny Sunday afternoon at our old house.  Me and my sister had gotten McDonalds for lunch and the toy we got in our Happy Meals was a bubble maker thing.  I remember running through the sunny yard making ginormous bubbles that looked like big shiny clear worms.  It was bliss.  So careless, so happy, so free from worries or any troubles.  Everything was right in that moment of time.  

I have other memories that depict this perfect feeling as well, but that is just one of them.  I don't really know what I'm trying to explain here, except maybe that blissful feeling of freedom that everyone encounters in their youth.  Growing up is not an easy thing to do.  I understand and accept that I have no idea really what life is about or what I'm trying to accomplish in this lifetime that I have here on earth, but I guess that is the beauty of it.  I suppose I just want to make as many memories like the one above as I can.  I would like my life to be full of experience.  I want to live on the edge and take things one step at a time.  I feel like no one should waste their life planning it away, but just live it now.  Things work themselves out.  I feel like life is just this big adventure.  I'm eager to see what is lying in wait.  I suppose that's what keeps me going.  You never know what will happen next.

And I don't regret any of the people I've met, or the places I've been, or the circumstances that have happened to me.  Everything that I've experienced is what makes me the person I am today.  And everyday I change more as I experience more things.  It's like evolving.  The ever changing present.  It's a beautiful thing.

I'm not sure if there is a point to this blog entry or not, but I simply felt inspired to write.  That's the only time I can write.  I guess I'm just trying to let people into my mind a little, share some of myself and my experience with life.  I feel like if I don't share it then there's no point to growing and learning  things.

I just like this picture.  My floral tights, yellow clasp chain purse, boots, and off the shoulder top. 

haha, just thought I'd share. 

with love,

Becca

These days I seem to think a lot

 So I've been having many nostalgic feelings lately.  I don't like to really talk about very personal things on here, but let's just say there was a tragedy in the extended family.  One that can't be undone.  It made me start to think about and realize some things.

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We all go through that time in life where we hate our parents. Correct?

Well for me that stage was like from the time I was 10 till like last year.  I've realized actually how lucky I am to have a good family now.  

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My sister and I have always been close, but ever since this summer, I feel like me and my mother have a new understanding.  We used to bicker nonstop.  I guess I've just realized that life is too short to not get along with people, especially family.

And I've realized, when it really comes down to it...

family is about all you have.  

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For me anyway, my family are the majority of the few people I feel like I can trust in life.  I know this is not always true.  And I feel like I got pretty lucky.

After all, you are pretty much bound to your family. By name and blood.

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So this is my big life lesson/epiphany of the moment I guess.

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I'm fortunate to have a loving, supportive family.

Some people don't really have that and I find it extremely sad.

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LOL

here is our latest family photo! photoshopped by my sister. :)

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 Floral skirt was a Christmas present from my sister, my mom's vintage burgundy leather cowboy boots from the 70's, burgundy clasp purse was a Goodwill find and I think the little shirt was as well.

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Also! I rearranged my room and sort of decorated. You can sort of see in this picture below!  I love the mirror which was my grandma's actually.  And tree wall decal. Beatles poster. ducky pillow etc. :)

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Haha, I didn't really know why I kept this blog up at all, I guess it was more for my own sake, but I would like to thank my readers...the few that I have! 

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Love always,

Becca

I think I am slowly becoming an emotionless robot...

It's become strangely easy for me to cut ties with people in the past year or two.  I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing.  Of all the people I've come to know this far in my life, I feel like only a small fraction were really even worth getting to know.  Most friendships formed were temporary and meaningless.  It feels almost good to get rid of the ones that don't matter.  Like I don't even get that "ripping the band-aid off" initial sting anymore.  It's like just one of those things I've learned through out the years: People come and people go.  'nuff said.

And I don't think I know how to trust people anymore.  I don't really trust anyone with the exception of a select few.  I don't really consider this bad, but simply a necessary thing. 

And also, it's strange to see people you once knew becoming something ugly.  I feel like the majority of people I once knew have become alcoholics and/or drug addicts.  I condone of having fun every once in a while, but on a nightly basis it becomes a little excessive and very destructive.  It's sad to see these people waste their potential.  The truly sad part is how they see this life style as a positive thing and as something worth praising when in reality, they are going nowhere with their lives.  It's upsetting to me.  And I feel like I almost got sucked into this fantasy world of forever partying and so called "fun".  There comes a time when we all have to grow up, but I suppose some people never do. 

I don't want to throw my life away.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to be happy.  And I've realized, most of these people don't even seem happy.

I don't know.  I know I feel the happiest when I'm being productive, making things, creating.  It's like I could erase all these people from my past and feel nothing.  Is that bad?  I could've gone without knowing a lot of people.  It almost feels like a cleansing experience to get rid of the people who don't matter.  I want to surround myself with good people who are actually worth knowing.  I feel like it's time for a Facebook friend purge.  A delete button frenzy.  Congrats if you make the cut.

In other news........
I got new boots.  It was my Christmas present to me. :)

And Someone commissioned this painting from me!  It's my first sold painting. Becca Kinkoph original! haha :)

And I also painted this! Just for fun though, it wasn't sold.

color my life with the chaos of trouble

 mmm, comfy sweaters, cozy scarves, and coffee. i love fall.

:)

 don't mind the over flowing trash cans.  pay attention to that delicious leather vintage coach purse i found at the goodwill. i love camel brown leather in the fall. camel brown boots, camel brown purse.

so i've been really into photo-editing stuff lately. this is my latest creation.  i'd like to think if i did live in my own little world, it'd look a bit like this. it makes me think of the belle and sebastian song that says: "color my life with the chaos of trouble"

i think that quote describes my life pretty well.

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so i'm thinking i might change my major. not really sure what i want out of life yet, but i supposed i'll know when i find it.  i guess i'm still searching. i feel like things are changing so quickly, it's hard to keep up.  before i know it everything's going to be past tense, so i suppose i'll revel in it while it's happening.  enjoy the moment. there's this matt and kim quote i like a lot:

"thinking about tomorrow won't change how i feel today"

basically that's how i feel right now.

I'm going to start painting again, i miss it.

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With love,

Becca

Original Becca Kinkoph Paintings. help me pay for college!

 5x5 acrylic painting

"be free"

$20.00

(sold)

 

12x16 Decoupage Collage

"the world at large"

$30.00

 

16x20 Acrylic Painting

"summertime love"

$45.00
(sold)

16x20 Acrylic Painting

"swirly tea cup"

$45.00

16x20 Acrylic Painting

"a tribute to Mr. Troubles the schnauzer"

$50.00

16x20 Acrylic Painting

"happiness is free"

$50.00

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All prices are negotiable from the amount listed.  

if you'd like to help me pay for college, just contact me via facebook or email me at 

www.rdkinkoph@bsu.edu

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I'm also going to post up some pictures of some jewelry items that used to be in my online store which I will also be selling. :) 

BECCA NEEDS MONEY, 

so if you like anything or want to discuss price just let me know!

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Always with love,

Becca

sometimes I wonder

 

In my crappy non-air conditioned dorm in LaFollette complex of Ball State University, I find a new level of responsibility and freedom. These two things unfortunately seem to go hand in hand. With more freedom comes more responsibilities and I somewhat hate this fact.

responsibilities responsiSHmilities.

that's what I say.

 

 Sometimes I wish things in life weren't so complicated. I feel that things have gotten so complex that I don't even really know what I feel or think anymore. I guess living in the moment is key, and that's one thing I've always had trouble doing. I worry too much about the future, but this summer I've realized a lot of things. I guess they could be summed up in these 4 things.

1. Live and let live: you can't change people so don't waste your time. Conflict isn't worth it.

2. No regrets: you can't change the past so you might as well consider the good AND bad worth it. if not as a learning experience, then a good story or chapter in life. The tough times add character I suppose.

3. Don't wait around: life doesn't find you, you must seek it out. find the good things and revel in them no matter how simplistic they may seem. Live it up, be free.

4. Happiness is found within: the imperfections and hardships you go through don't determine my state of happiness. I do.

 

Another picture from Brayton Hall room 820. Isn't our bird theme sweet? I think the bird decal mirror sticker thingamajigs are my favorite with the christmas lights adorning the northeast side of our room coming in a very close second. I guess I'll get used to living in this small room.

I don't think I'll ever get used to the strange occurrence of time though. It's weird to think I was once just a kid with dreams of being an adult and now I am one. I'll never get over how quickly time flies by. 

And sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decisions with my life. I wonder what my future holds and if I'll ever be completely content with my surroundings and the world at large. probably not. I wonder if I'll look back on my life and wish I'd done things differently. sometimes just I wonder. I can't help it.

I wonder what it's like to be an old person, just because I feel like I've seen a small glimpse of what they must feel. I don't have my whole life ahead of me now, I have a lot of life left, but I've lived almost a good two decades already. Time, it's crazy.  

Also, I wish I knew all the answers.  Sometimes I just wish I had a "life" traffic director telling me which things to let go, which way to head, when to stop, when to slow down. I guess that's part of that whole self responsibility thing that I despise so much.  It's probably time for me to be my own "life" traffic director I suppose. Growing up is so weird. I don't like it.

So I had to stay at my grandma's house for a few days two weeks ago. There's something about her, and her house, and seeing her, being around her. It sort of freaks me out. She never changes. She's perfectly content with the mundane little activities that collectively make up her life. 

reading, getting the newspaper, gardening, reading the newspaper, more gardening, going to the library, eating sugar free ice cream and taking vitamins. going to church. simplicity.

but even as boring as her daily activities are, she still seems to hold so much wisdom. I love my grandma, and I wonder sometimes. I don't really know what I wonder about. I guess just her life in general. She was in the air force, she had friends, she traveled. I guess I wonder what she thinks when she looks back on her life. Does she feel like she did it right? Is she happy where she is now? 

I don't know.

I think I have acute anxiety. 

I worry too much
and I ramble.

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just sort of speaking my mind I guess

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love always,

Becca

another day

vintage coach bag that I thriftily found at Goodwill a while back, new lace up/peep toe/camel brown heals from charlette russe, dusty blue studded t-shirt (I'm on a big T-shirt kick lately. esp the big plain comfy ones, or the V-neck kind with the lil front pocket), and skinny jeans with studs on outer seam. 

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mmm, clothes are fun. :)

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with love, 

Becca