Thursday, August 26, 2010

sometimes I wonder

In my crappy non-air conditioned dorm in LaFollette complex of Ball State University, I find a new level of responsibility and freedom. These two things unfortunately seem to go hand in hand. With more freedom comes more responsibilities and I somewhat hate this fact.

responsibilities responsiSHmilities.
that's what I say.


 Sometimes I wish things in life weren't so complicated. I feel that things have gotten so complex that I don't even really know what I feel or think anymore. I guess living in the moment is key, and that's one thing I've always had trouble doing. I worry too much about the future, but this summer I've realized a lot of things. I guess they could be summed up in these 4 things.
1. Live and let live: you can't change people so don't waste your time. Conflict isn't worth it.
2. No regrets: you can't change the past so you might as well consider the good AND bad worth it. if not as a learning experience, then a good story or chapter in life. The tough times add character I suppose.
3. Don't wait around: life doesn't find you, you must seek it out. find the good things and revel in them no matter how simplistic they may seem. Live it up, be free.
4. Happiness is found within: the imperfections and hardships you go through don't determine my state of happiness. I do.

Another picture from Brayton Hall room 820. Isn't our bird theme sweet? I think the bird decal mirror sticker thingamajigs are my favorite with the christmas lights adorning the northeast side of our room coming in a very close second. I guess I'll get used to living in this small room.

I don't think I'll ever get used to the strange occurrence of time though. It's weird to think I was once just a kid with dreams of being an adult and now I am one. I'll never get over how quickly time flies by. 

And sometimes I wonder if I'm making the right decisions with my life. I wonder what my future holds and if I'll ever be completely content with my surroundings and the world at large. probably not. I wonder if I'll look back on my life and wish I'd done things differently. sometimes just I wonder. I can't help it.

I wonder what it's like to be an old person, just because I feel like I've seen a small glimpse of what they must feel. I don't have my whole life ahead of me now, I have a lot of life left, but I've lived almost a good two decades already. Time, it's crazy.  

Also, I wish I knew all the answers.  Sometimes I just wish I had a "life" traffic director telling me which things to let go, which way to head, when to stop, when to slow down. I guess that's part of that whole self responsibility thing that I despise so much.  It's probably time for me to be my own "life" traffic director I suppose. Growing up is so weird. I don't like it.

So I had to stay at my grandma's house for a few days two weeks ago. There's something about her, and her house, and seeing her, being around her. It sort of freaks me out. She never changes. She's perfectly content with the mundane little activities that collectively make up her life. 

reading, getting the newspaper, gardening, reading the newspaper, more gardening, going to the library, eating sugar free ice cream and taking vitamins. going to church. simplicity.

but even as boring as her daily activities are, she still seems to hold so much wisdom. I love my grandma, and I wonder sometimes. I don't really know what I wonder about. I guess just her life in general. She was in the air force, she had friends, she traveled. I guess I wonder what she thinks when she looks back on her life. Does she feel like she did it right? Is she happy where she is now? 
I don't know.
I think I have acute anxiety. 
I worry too much
and I ramble.


just sort of speaking my mind I guess


love always,


  1. oh becca, i love this post. it's so honest and beautifully worded! life really is a strange thing. i ask myself some of the same questions that you do. i don't know the answers, except that i just try to be as happy as i can and spend as much time as i can with the people i love!

    also, i'm glad you like your dorm room (it is ever so cute). and... is that a boytoy i spy?? (: haha

  2. great post dear!!
    really enjou it...

    come n visit my site. if u don't mind u can follow me. just tell me if u want me to follow u back ^^


    in Love&Light
    Queen D